Music of words

Gary Provost:

This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.

What to do, when not knowing what to do?

What do you do, when you don't know what to do? Even though I'm just in 11th grade and have two more years to go, I can't help but wonder what I'm going to do for the rest of my life? And I'm worrying about it. Though I know, not every 17 year old knows what said person wants do when they get older, but most people do have a general idea of some sort. I don't. There is absolutely nothing that sounds appealing to me, nothing I would wanna spend every day doing. Well, a few things does sound interesting, but I know that I do not in any way have the creativity or patience to do it, I don't know enough stuff and the learning process doesn't appeal to me. 

  The problem is, I'm straight up lazy. Now, I know that's a commen teenage thing to say, "I can't do anything, I'm the laziest person ever" well I don't mean it like that. If I want to, I can get up and going with stuff, I can go to the fitness center, leave the couch when I want, I don't need food all the time. Normal lazy behaviour is not the problem. But the thought of having to learn stuff and remember it, being able to solve things just from your knowledge in a specific area, I would never be able to do that. Getting the right 'training' for a job, the process would kill me. 

   I'm in the Danish gymnasium now because well.. I didn't know what to do. Technical school is not looked at as the greatest thing, you might not be able to get a job or that internship you need because there isn't enough business, so.. You go to gymnasium (Somewhere between High School and College). Then, which studyline do you pick? Well take me for an exampple, of course you just take the one that matches your interests. In middle school I liked Math, Biology and Chemistry, so obviously, I picked Biotechnology (Biology+Chemistry). I absolutely love the thought of being a mathematic genious and knowing all about my chemistry and biology, the thought is amazing. But, it makes me sick to learn it. I'm not a person who remembers every word the teacher says, I can't take notes and I don't have concentracion when it comes to school. No ambition in exams. I don't worry about my testscores, quizzes, no worries at all. Which of course isn't good for the motivation.

   I do have hobbies though. I like to draw, I don't have the creativity to come up with something to draw and I don't have the motivation to start on a new drawing. I like to write stories, but to make up a complete story, that would be too much effort. I like the guitar, I suck at playing it because I'm too lazy to start it again. Combined with other interests, the perfect job for me would be to write and draw at the same time.. Don't have enough talent in either category. 

   My only real ambition is to travel, but what good is that if I have no job and therefore no money. I'd love to be able to photograph, I'm not a good photographer, my pictures doesn't have a hidden meaning of life behind it's surface, they're just pictures everyone could have taken. 

   But I'm sick of school. The thought of having to spend three more years in school and then university, crushes me. Absolutely. I'm already getting depressed by the thought, and generally, I'm optimistic. But all of those years I have to sit in school, do homework and turn in assignments.. It's killing me.

Burning Secrets, Pt. 2

Her boyfriend freaked out overhearing the conversation and in a short moment of panic he immediately called 911 to get in contact with the CPS (Child Protective Service), he made an appointment with them and ended up giving the police his statement before picking up the girl. He didn't tell the girl when he'd get there, but he did tell her, against all of her will, that she'd have to talk to the police too, at this point she wanted to avoid trouble in every way possible. An hour later he came with his moms boyfriend to pick up the girl, she was alone with one of her host brothers, one who'd also previously mistreated her by raging out on her over nothing at all and accusing her of lying. 

  The two of them got invited into the house and picked her up. Around the corner, two police cars was parked in case anything were to happen, and with police escort the girl, with her boyfriend and his stepdad, drove to the police station focusing on mistreated children. The girl were unbelievably nervous, she hadn't told anyone except for the guy about the happenings, not even her parents and she didn't want to go to court. -Later she should figure out how wrong she was. The three of them were sitting alone in the waiting room for half an hour, whereafter a guy came to pick up the girl. Hesitatingly she followed him into a room, decorated with palm trees and parrots on the wall. He asked her general questions, also she confirmed the guys previous statement and gave her own. ' 

  When the agent was done asking her questions, he told her about the options she had now, and happy that she had the option, she chose not to go further with her accusations. Though CPS would eventually contact the man according to the law, and ask him about the happenings.  She didn't have a problem with that since she was moving away from that family the day after, and leaving the country four days later. 

   She had no more trouble with the man before she left his house for the last time, she said her goodbye's and acted nicely, since they hadn't told the man anything about the complaint. She went to spend the rest of her nights at another family's house. 

     Then she left the country and went back to home.

         Thinking everything would be all good now.

             No more trouble.

                And how wrong she was.

    She'd been home for almost a week when she noticed the E-mails from the man. He asked her if she'd been the one filing a complaint against him, and started accusing her (+Boyfriend and his stepfather) of stealing things the day they went to get her out of the mans house. She wrote right back to him that they'd called CPS and that they did not steal anything, one of his dumb attempts of scaring her off. He also assumed she hadn't told her parents and threatened to tell them. Ice cold she told him to just do that, and even gave him their E-mails, actually meaning, I dare you motherfucker. 

   Another day went by and he started (True to his character) telling her what to do and how to do it. Once again, he was trying to manipulate her, but she didn't do anything about it. She ignored her email until one particular E-mail came through. He was telling her what he was gonna do, if she didn't do what he said, and he definitely did not think she'd show her parents. He started off by saying how much she'd sue her for false accuse, that he'd accuse her for thievery, he'd get her to court, tell everyone about all of her secrets, he'd kept a half naked picture of her, he started patronizing her and saying how no-one had liked her and she'd only been trouble, blackmailing and manipulating as much as possible. He'd also sue her boyfriend and his family, since they were a part of it. He took up all the small things that'd happened he could think about and it was not a pleasant E-mail to read at 2 in the morning. 

    Actually this E-mail got her furious and changed all of her perspectives.

She wanted to rage out on him. Tell his wife how he sexually harassed her, how their sons had done similar things, trying to get her clothes off, raged out on her for no reason, she wanted to get the family down and had every possibility of doing so..

   If not, she'd been living on a different continent. 

The only thing in the way for running a court case, and oh yeah, she'd really love to do that! Was the fact of where she was living. It wasn't possible for her to go to court in the US while living in Europe, that wasn't possible. No clear evidence for what he'd done, except for the E-mail. 

  The man ended up apologizing to her parents when they wrote back to him, but the man did not want to skype with the family to explain why he was refusing the accusation to be true. -Cause he was a coward and he couldn't stand by his actions, of course not. 

   She was able to charge him for a lot in court.

-Sexual Harassment.

-Child Pornography.

-False Accuse.

-Reputation.

-Threathening.

-Manipulating.

-Blackmailing.

-Pedophilia.

She had more than enough reasons to take him to court, he was a big salesman, an even the filing could destroy him and his family. Which she at this moment, would love to do. She wanted to destroy him completely, pull the family apart, throw them in jail, sue them for all of their money, and she'd be able to..

   If she'd just lived in the US like them.

Burning Secrets..

She desperatly wanted to kill the man. She wasn't nessecarily thinking about a bloody knife murder out in the woods after midnight, but she knew her power, she knew what she was capable of. She was capable of ruining this mans life completely. But did he deserve it? Did he deep down deserve it, or had her anger taken over and blinded her of the truth? No. He definetly deserved it.

    She thought back at their relationship. This man, even though almost 50 years older, had been one of her best friends for months, she asked him for advice and had long talks with him, until it all changed. Until he changed into a ruthless and disgusting creep. She remembered how he'd in the start made sexual jokes about her, jokes right? That wasn't a problem since his two sons were her best friends, he was a joking man and just thought of her as an adult who could take it, or at least she'd thought.
    It escalated.
Their conversations began to turn into uncomfortable subjects, too close and personal for a teenage girl to share with an older man. The massages he wanted to give her, and tried to pull up her top and untie the bra. But he was like a father to her, how could he even start to justify what he did? She didn't tell anyone. She surpressed the hidden feelings and hatred, she closed in and only more layers of sadness and disappointment started to appear. She had no one to talk to. No one to tell it to. She had to stay strong.
   An honest mistake happened. As there were only the two of them home and she was taking a bath, the dog opened the door. The man was still downstairs but had to run errinds, and came up to tell. He walked in on a naked underage girl.. Without a look back. He'd assumed it was okay because of the door, and she's assured him that it was an honest mistake so it was okay. He stayed in the room longer than he should have. Did he see her whole naked body? Or did she succeed to hide the lower parts before his entrance? He did non-the-less, see her tight and blossomed breasts.
  A couple months later, she started seeing a guy. She'd met the best thing that'd ever happened to her and she was unbelievably happy. Except one small detail. She wasn't allowed to date, no one could know about their feelings towards each other, but she told her older friend. She told the man. As a friend would do, he asked about the guy, and she was happy to tell about him, in fact, she loved to. But then came the hard time where she had to hide from four people in the household, where she was going when she left the house. It wasn't her family, they were just.. Stand in's, she didn't have to tell them secrets, she only had two weeks left to see her loved one.
   The man started helping. As the master of the house, he was able to help her and she was gratefull! Until he started asking for her favours. For the "In return" actions. The feeling in her stomach everytime he'd try to manipulate her into thinking that "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" was a justified sentence in the context. But she knew it wasn't, and as the man kept on talking, she'd feel more and more disgusted by his belief that he got her to believe him. He hadn't -She knew exactly what he was trying to.
   Her thoughts fell upon the first time he'd asked to see her breats. After the many serious attempts to put her sunlotion on, he'd asked her to take off her bikini-top in his office, to show him and in return, he'd let her see her guy, her love. It escelated. The man kept on trying, he wanted to see the girl naked, and she knew. She knew way too well.
   One night, she was on skype with her guy. They'd grown closer together than she'd ever tried with anyone before and he was the most caring and loving person she'd ever met. And he loved her just as much. Suddenly a text from the man, he was sitting in the room next door, but decided to text so the rest of the household wouldn't know. The text made it all clear. For her to be able to see her boyfriend again before leaving the country for over a year, she'd have to take her pants off for the man.
   Tears started to roll down her cheeks and he noticed, her loving guy, who was watching her through only a webcam, noticed it. She told him everything. About the sexual comments, massages, walking in on her naked, trying to get her clothe of, and specially the blackmailing and manipulating.
   Next morning the two teens were skyping again, she was supposted to sleep over at his house the same evening, but no one could know and the man would only let her go if she showed herself naked. He knocked her door and asked her to go to his office. She shakingly raised herself from bed and followed the man, dropping her Ipod, the one she was skyping on, down into her chestpocked, still having the mic turned on.
   They went into the office and the man started. He wanted her to take off her pants, actually, she didn't even have to do anything, he'd do it for her, he wanted to see and she recognized an awful glimpse of desire in the man's eyes. He had a desire to strip an under-aged girl, who furthermore was 50 years younger than himself. He kept on going and she begged him to let her go without showing him. She begged. She started crying and was about to give up all hope. Finally after not being able to manipulate her to victory, the older man gave up, he let her go away in tears. Although, her boyfriend heard everything.
     Little did he know, there were two other boys in the same household trying to sexually abuse her.

Long living love.

How can you have everything but still nothing? You've been looking up to the illusion of true fairytale love your whole life and in a temporary moment of happiness you really think you've got it all, untill you again look the real world in the eyes, and re-discovers that your happiness have to end. That doesn't say though, that the love has to end. 

  Well.. How do you know when you've found the great love of your life? You might think that you've found it a number of times before you finally find that one person who actually deserves the title of your better half? As far as I've noticed, it's possible to be fooled for months or even years before you realize that you in fact, do not have the right person by you. So, is it the right person when no one else is on your mind? You dream about the person every night, just to wake up in sadness when you realize the person's not by your side? Is it when you really feel that everything falls in place, you've got no arguments to hold and no anger against each other, no matter what the person does it's completely perfect in your eyes? Maybe it's when you find that person, who's so like yourself that you feel like they'd already know all of your reaction and actions, maybe because they'd have the exact same. 

   We've all got our own special traits and habbits, is it ever possible to find someone who's gotten all the same as you have yourself? Someone has found that person, so it is indeed possible. 

   Then again, you've found the person and everything seems to be perfect, things can actually not get better, at all. Until one of you have to leave the country to live thousands of miles away. Nine timezones away. That is a thing that sucks.

   So what now? You're a teenager, you've got school and work and your parents are still making decisions you can't quite follow, and now, you've also gotten a boyfriend across the globe? How's the travel? Who's gonna come visit who, and how do you convince your parents that you're gonna stay together? How're you gonna convince anyone that you're staying together? Cause if you think about it, who really believes that long distance is possible? I'll tell you, someone has done it, and it is possible, but it's gonna be tough. It's gonna be more than hard and you're gonna sit up for hours waiting or another person to get up or get home only to find out that some other plans got in the way and your waiting has been pointless? How's it possible to keep smiling when both o you slowly get busy and there's less time to talk to each other? Well, commitment and love could be the two keywords, cause if not both of you are 100% completely devoted to it, it's not gonna happen. 

   Then, there'll be that one day, after years of being seperated, there'll be that one day when you finally move in together and everything will be perfect again, cause you'll once again be with each other. That's a day I'm waiting for.

A chamber of pain.

I knew I was capapble of surviving without the proper food for a long time. I knew I could survive on just water and the solid substance he so spontaniously called water whenever he decided to throw it in to me. I'd been surviving uptil now, and even though the water was far away from clean, it did not seem to be one of the causes of the tremblings in my body. 

    I slowly moved my hand to the part of my body I felt the most pain. Right on the side of my stomach I felt and instantly and nearly fainting pain and for a second I did not dare to look. My already ripped hands could slightly feel the solidified blood and the more spongy feel around the cut. From a little window far over my head, the rays of the moon softly lighted the chamber and as I looked down I got an instant feeling of disgust and the urge to vomit. But I didn't. Since I had no amount of food or liquid left in my body to throw up I remained calm as I saw the deep hole in my side. My skan had been ripped up and my flesh had a slight glow from the light that so innocently lid it up. I gasped as I saw part of my ribbs showing and could not hold back the need to touch them. Even though they were competely covered in the thick red substance I couldn't help but finding it fascinating. He'd noticed, he definetly knew what damage had occured to my body, and yet he did nothing to help me, not even the slightest bandage to cover up for it. 

    I did not know for how long I'd been sitting there. It felt like an endless time, even though I'd been unconsious several times after I'd first woken up. Furthermore I had no idea about how long I'd been sitting there before I gained counsiousness. The last thing I remembered from before everything turned dark was the unbearable pain from the poisoned spear that'd so eagerly been pressed into my side. I could feel the poison from the blade still cutting its way through my blood, constantly searching, searching its way to my heart to completely draw me in to a state of insanity and willingness, making my mind leave my body as an empty shell with no soul and no source of possible thoughts and judgement. When I'd awakened I'd found myself in this helpless chamber in his palace. It was a place filled with emptiness. Loneliness. Disgust. Evil.

    At first, I'd done everything to fight him. At first. I'd done eveything in my power to possibly fight back fom the inside. But now, either if the chamber had found it's way to my heart or if the poison had finally started to infiltrade my heart or I'd just learned better, I did not fight against him.

Suffer till the end.

I should go rotten up in the deepest dungeon under the most disgusting castle and slowly getting eaten by rats.. They would tear me up, and I could look at them as they started to split up my kidney.. My lungs.. Lastly my heart..

Small gasping breaths as I'm not dead yet, but also far away from living.. Feeling the pain, every last bit.

My hands would dispute, they'd turn to find a way out of the ropes that held them together, but for no good. The more I rubbed them the deeper the robe would cut. All the way in to the flesh, bones starting to get visible.

They'd find me. Him first, he'd come in, disgusted by the smell of my rottening flesh. He'd pretend like he cared for a second, then he'd reveal his actual motive. He's start laughing at me, mock me.

He'd turn around.. Tell me he didn't care about me anymore.

Then people would join him..

Xxxxxx.. Xxxx.. Xxxx.. Xxxx..

All watching me as I would gasp my last breaths before my brain and body would finally give up in fixing everything.

I'd be gone for good.

I opened my eyes, only to find myself in a room full of dead bodies, five of them, each in a different state of either rotting or being eaten by the egregious rats eagerly trying to get the last pieces of meat off of the lifeless bodies. By the smell and light in the chamber I judget I was underground. No windows in sight, and the only source of light was a torch on the stone wall. Through an old musty wooden door a slight hint of salty water slipped in, ripping in my nostrils. A slight crack in the ceiling formed by rocks let a rhythm of drops fall down allowing the room to be filled with a constant echo. A disgusting place, only made worse by the smell of rotting flesh and filthy rats.

   I became aware of my pain and as I looked at my legs the rats had already started to tear me up, I could only look at them helplessly while they would slowly split me up, eating my kidney, my liver, my lungs and lastly my heart. I was gasping for air. I wasn't dead yet, but still far away from living and all the way trough me I felt the pain. Every last bit. And I deserved all of it. My hands were disputing. I turned them around trying to find a way out of the ropes that stubbornly held them together, but for no good. The more I rubbed them the deeper the robe would cut. It had already cut all the way into my flesh and as I looked, my bones were starting to get visible. 

   They had found me. All of the people I had found the dearest; my friends, my family, all the relationships which I'd already ruined, with no possible way of turning back, they found me I my most vulnerable time.

   He came in. Disgusted by the smell of my rotting flesh, but I knew I deserved his disgust. He pretended to care about me for a second, he told me how he still loved me and how everything would be okay again, I had hope. I got a feeling of health back in my stomach and the chamber started to light up for me. I could turn back to how it was before, I could erase the memories of the awful things which I'd done and start my life all over. I reached out for him in a moment of happiness, but then he revealed his true motive. He started laughing at me, he was patronizing me and mocking me in the most unpleasant way, I didn't even recognize him from how he used to be. He had changed too. With a slightly stubborn movement he started to turn around, he took his time and told me about how he didn't care about me anymore, explaining me what I already knew, that it was my own fault. Then the other people started joining him. They all told me the same thing and I could see the disappointment in their eyes as they looked down at me. They had believed in me, they used to listen to me, enjoy me. With a plug of indescribable pain I reached out for them, but as my bloody toe almost touched them, they all turned in to smoke, slowly slipping out through the door. They disappeared.

   I couldn't stand the embarrassment. Slowly I tried to move my leg back and away from the rats, their long and sharp teeth cut deep for every bite, and all of it reminded me of the reason I was there. A stubborn rat held on tightly when my leg started to slip away and I saw the egregious sight of my own flesh being ripped off of my calf while a bone innocently looked out, showing a bloody mess. In pain, a gasp slipped through my lips.

   I knew I deserved to be there. I knew it was all my own fault, that I could not turn back time and do it all over. No matter how badly I desired it. I took another look around the chamber, before I closed my eyes. I could still feel them all watching me. I could feel their eyes lying on me, waiting for me to be gone. Give up and let them all behind, they expected me to run. They all stared at me as I took my last gasps of air before my brain and body finally gave up on fixing everything.

   I was gone for good.