Tricking my feelings.

 I loved the old you. I still do. The you that doesn't excist anymore and with that I'm klinging to the illution of what I once had, what I thought I would have for so much longer. The thought of having lost the past cuts my heart and can still bring me to tears, but I'll have to accept that you're not the one I loved, not anymore.

  I still can't figure out why you changed though. I might have a way of connecting it to our previous restrictions, as a wise man said; You just don't know how to handle it. -Yes, that wise man is your own father. Still, that is not an excuse for how you've been treating me. I can see it's hard for you too, but after all I'm the one living around the restrictions all the time, not you. I'm the one they're all concerned about and trying to protect. Not protect me from you, but protecting me from the outcome of a so called relationship with you. 

   We're allowed to see each other still. We're allowed to be in contact now, you can actually talk to me, but instead you choose to completely ignore my excistense as soon as I'm not in your house. You wont even say Hi to me. The few times we actually do talk to each other when I'm not visiting, if you write to me it seems as if your major motive is to patronize me and make me feel bad about myself, and bad about all that has happened since I left.

    Though. When I'm with you, your filled with the same passion and love that you once were. You talk to me nicely, sweet, and you start to compliment me again. You're making a perfect shadow of how you used to act, and that is tearring me apart. When I see you, you fill me with a new hope of things going back to how they were, how they could've still been. You make me happy after all my long nights and endless loneliness and give me a bright sigh of what I hope will come back to me. So why do you have to ruin it again every time I leave? As if the first thing on your mind was to shoot my new hopes down. I must say; That is nice of you. 

   I know you're not used to be this close to a girl. After all, your dad is one of my best friends and he's told me a lot about you. He knows how you're thinking, and often make me believe that none of this is my fault, that it's only you who don't know how to handle it. You won't end up being hurt so you take your distance in a strange and rather unpleasant matter. Even though we were already so close. 

  Maybe it'll all go back in summer. I'm wondering about that though. At first I thought you were just messing with me, as you always say you are, but now I've started to think about; Have you changed too much? Have you hurt me too much? Have you ruined what could possibly be? Cause I know you still want me when I'm there. Or.. Maybe you just want the pleasure of a close friend of the opposite gender? I've wondered a lot about that one.

   If I assume though, that you still like me, how can it be so easy for you to cut me of? How can you ignore and erase me without a second thought? Without even thinking back to what we had? I'm trying to get myself out of my thoughts. Trying to get myself used to the thoughts of a completely different reality..

 But it's hard to convince myself that I'm without feelings.