Picture Challenge..

I was on a picture challenge this previous monday through wednsday, the challenge was 20 pictures a day, so 60 pictures in totalt stretched over three days. I'm limited in my surroundings and there's not a lot of stuff around my house, since I don't have a car I can't go anywhere far. Here's the results; 

Monday,

Tuesday,

Wednsday,

Finally here.

It's fun how sometimes one single person can change your whole point if view. How one weekend can make you forget all of the troubles you're facing and just go and start all over. But when you find that one person, who makes you realize that all you're going through is okay, you'll start having fun again, you won't have the restrictions from your troubles and you might even maybe for a short moment, maybe an hour or maybe more than a day, forget that person who causes all of your sadness and troubles. I found that person. 

   I was constantly thinking over my situation, how could I ever NOT live in that specific way? How could I NOT have that? Well, I can live without it, if it's not there for me, it's not worthy of keeping and then I'd rather go find stuff worth of keeping.

   I don't know how long this feeling's going to last. I might go back as soon as I get back to the troubles, I might change my feelings back in a week, or maybe.. If I'm lucky enough, I might keep these thoughts and start living again.

Tricking my feelings.

 I loved the old you. I still do. The you that doesn't excist anymore and with that I'm klinging to the illution of what I once had, what I thought I would have for so much longer. The thought of having lost the past cuts my heart and can still bring me to tears, but I'll have to accept that you're not the one I loved, not anymore.

  I still can't figure out why you changed though. I might have a way of connecting it to our previous restrictions, as a wise man said; You just don't know how to handle it. -Yes, that wise man is your own father. Still, that is not an excuse for how you've been treating me. I can see it's hard for you too, but after all I'm the one living around the restrictions all the time, not you. I'm the one they're all concerned about and trying to protect. Not protect me from you, but protecting me from the outcome of a so called relationship with you. 

   We're allowed to see each other still. We're allowed to be in contact now, you can actually talk to me, but instead you choose to completely ignore my excistense as soon as I'm not in your house. You wont even say Hi to me. The few times we actually do talk to each other when I'm not visiting, if you write to me it seems as if your major motive is to patronize me and make me feel bad about myself, and bad about all that has happened since I left.

    Though. When I'm with you, your filled with the same passion and love that you once were. You talk to me nicely, sweet, and you start to compliment me again. You're making a perfect shadow of how you used to act, and that is tearring me apart. When I see you, you fill me with a new hope of things going back to how they were, how they could've still been. You make me happy after all my long nights and endless loneliness and give me a bright sigh of what I hope will come back to me. So why do you have to ruin it again every time I leave? As if the first thing on your mind was to shoot my new hopes down. I must say; That is nice of you. 

   I know you're not used to be this close to a girl. After all, your dad is one of my best friends and he's told me a lot about you. He knows how you're thinking, and often make me believe that none of this is my fault, that it's only you who don't know how to handle it. You won't end up being hurt so you take your distance in a strange and rather unpleasant matter. Even though we were already so close. 

  Maybe it'll all go back in summer. I'm wondering about that though. At first I thought you were just messing with me, as you always say you are, but now I've started to think about; Have you changed too much? Have you hurt me too much? Have you ruined what could possibly be? Cause I know you still want me when I'm there. Or.. Maybe you just want the pleasure of a close friend of the opposite gender? I've wondered a lot about that one.

   If I assume though, that you still like me, how can it be so easy for you to cut me of? How can you ignore and erase me without a second thought? Without even thinking back to what we had? I'm trying to get myself out of my thoughts. Trying to get myself used to the thoughts of a completely different reality..

 But it's hard to convince myself that I'm without feelings.

Do I want to?

This sucks. 

It's an endless squalor which devours my mind,

 and brings my egregious

 yet superfluous

 thoughts to life

 and with disdain in my heart 

This is hard to carry on through.

    I have a dubious mind

nothing amiable takes the lead

 nothing salutary to obsorb. 

I would like to annihilate it all

 destroy all of This

skip to the end and let charitable thoughts take the lead,

 chase the coarse side out.

   I do not want

 to do This anymore.

Yet 

The thought of leaving This,

brings vulnerability to my soul

 and I find myself in an endless hole of doubt 

and a certain will to destroy It. 

There is no explanation.

I want an explanation. What made you change your mind so drastically and without notice push me completely out of your life without a single look back? If you still care about me, how can it be so easy for you so cut off all contact to me and start acting like a jerk? What the heck is up with that? You don't treat people like that! You treat them nicely and care about them, instead of caring about them for a couple of months and then trash them as a used toothbrush where after you never think about them, not for a little, and their memories fade away as the colours of summer and end up as a witherind leaf that slowly loses the reat of its life to become a pile of dust, and that one person, that one person who picked it off of the tree can come stamp on it as if it never happened. You surely don't know how to treat people, how to keep alive the flame of the friendship. Not even a bit of respect is shown anymore, what the heck happened to you?

  I remember what you said. I remember how you convinced me that this was, indeed, a good idea. How can you now treat me like this never happened? How can you continuesly act with a contemptuous tone and disparage everything I do? Yet, after deleting every trace of me, you still can't let me go and those few moments of careing still holds me on a cliff. You push me to the and and forces me to look down and realize how much I want to jump. But the second my feet would have left the loose rocks on the end, you pull me back. You give me new hope up here, before you start it all again and no matter how urging I ask you to give me an expanation you won't take the time to answer. 

  How come you don't have the time anymore? You had all the time in the world, you made every second count and stored them all in a locked cabin of memories you successfully stored in my mind. Now you don't have the time. You can enjoy we while I'm there. I'm right next to you and you can feel my relieved breath in my moment of believing in you. But you choose to tear it apart as soon as I leave your side with a ponderous gasp. 

  What happened to you?

Superfluous thoughts on friendzoning..

I've never understood relationships. I mean, I see cute couples all over the place; In school, all the

hallways filled with couples eager enough after seeing each other that they can't waist a single minute, In town, when they go on dates, sitting around looking at each other with gloomy eyes sharing that one milkshake, everywhere I see couples with a frenetic love for each other, and I can't help but think.. How do they do it?

      I myself is in a bad state of easy romance, way too quick I fall in love with that hot guy I met a couple days ago or my brothers cute friend or that clever guy in chemistry class. Either way I end up in a constant mess of dubious thoughts created to pull myself down and create every possible scenario of how bad things could go and how much he hates me, cause I guarangtee you, he definetly hates me. Every aspect of my crushes has become my biggest interest and I evolve some kind of stalkerish state where I as far as possible watch his every move; I constantly try to find him in school, over and over I refresh his facebook page and if some girl adds an innocent comment on an old photo I creep down in my little hole and feel the squalor taking over me, cause that random girl, he possibly haven't talked with for a year, is definetly a threat to me and my imaginary relationship with him.

Or at least.. That's what I feel when I get a crush on someone.

    On the other side, I've now tried something fairly different. I've knowingly been the person on the other side. I felt bad about it but Hey, I liked another guy, that wasn't my fault. Cause why do we fall in love with specific people? Why can't we just choose, "Hey I want to fall in love with you, could you do the same with me?", wouldn't that be much easier? As soon as you've gotten caught up in your own feelings, everything else seems meaningless and you'd rather spend all your time with that one person than anything else. But if you're already in the friendzone, what do you do? We all know that when you cross that final line for the friendzone, which you might have the first time your crush saw you, maybe when you guys started talking, or maybe just the other day when you guys hung out, when you cross that final line, it's not possible to get back, we all know that. But maybe, if you're the right person and you keep up fighting instead of giving up..

Could it be possible to take a step back to the other side?

It is possible.

       It is possible indeed. I'm a living proof for that, but if you want to go back, you'll have to know what you're getting yourself into cause you might not be able to cross the line a third time, so think about it. Are you willing to start something? Or would you get tired as soon as you stripped the person down? You'll have to keep interest.

     
My point here is, I had a guy friendzoned. Not just friendzoned, brozoned. Not that he was my actual brother, but he was my hostbrother for three months which means that I lived with him for three months, and that first day I saw him two months before I was going to move in, he was definetly in the friendzone. He'd already crossed the line for that the first time I ever layd eyes on him. I simply wasn't attracted to him, that's it. It is very hard to have a romantic relationship to someone you don't even find attractive. Something about that person should attract you; look, interests, personality, dreams, something. But nothing did. 

      We became great friends and I moved in with them after the two months and everything was perfect. The two brothers in the house, both my age, became two of my best friends and even though I had a massive crush on one of their best friends, it all worked out. Perfectly. Until the day one guy began to look at me as more than a sister. When I look back I believe he might've always thought of me in a different way, after all he's not the type of guy who'd normally have a lot of girls around him. But when a girl all of a sudden moves into your house? Yeah you've got a nice shot right there!

       In some way I started to find him attractive (I have a thing for longer hair, and strangely enough his hair had started to grow longer), I started to feel a physical attraction and I didn't know why. He's not even that good looking, why do you feel attracted to that boy? Let's just say, I still haven't figured that one out. Every single day I wanted to hang out with him more, my days started to lighten up and every day I had something nice to wake up to, and I had something to look forward to, I  mean.. Which teenager wouldn't want to live with their crush? But I was in denial. I wasn't allowed to date. My own inside battle began to affect him too of course. All the time I'd led him on and then the next day I'd pretend like nothing ever happened. I look back at my behavior with disdain, especially now when I realize I should've appreciated  those moments a lot more. 

       Eventually I started to fall in love myself. I let my feelings lose and I had some of the best times in my life. Funny, how a person who I'd not been attracted to at all and whom I'd found rather irritating became the main topic on my mind?

My main point is that it is in fact possible to get out of the friendzone, it might not be possible for every one, but it is indeed possible. You just have to be able to handle the outcome. 

I know not everyone is.